A Mental Mindf&ck
by Morbidly Obscure
Summary: ...Can be nice. Kuroshitsuji characters with the Rocky Horror Picture Show plot line; what could go wrong? Contains slash, shota, het, cross-dressing, cats, puns, double entendres, and general insanity. Go on, read; I see you shiver with antici...pation.
1. It Was Great When It All Began

**You are about to read the results of a sleepless night and an overload of sugar. You have been warned. I came up with this idea last summer, but on said sugar-high, insomniatic night, I actually started to write the damn thing. **

**Also, this is important: I AM TAKING EXTREME LIBERTIES WITH THE ROCKY HORROR PLOT. For instance, I'm skipping the beginning of the movie because it would have been a lot of work for nothing but plotholes. Also, I am re-writing the songs I include with more fitting lyrics, so don't just skip over them, please.**

**Pairings: Too damn many to count.**

**Warnings: See description.**

**Disclaimer: Yep.**

**I think that covers everything. Proceed at your own risk.**

**OoO**

_**The Kuro-Horror-Shitsuji Show**_

**Starring:**

**Sebastian Michaelis—A Scientist**

**Ciel Phantomhive—A Hero**

**Elizabeth Middleford—A Heroine**

**Claude Faustus—A Handyman**

**Alois Trancy—A Domestic**

**Grell Suttcliffe—A Groupie**

**Ash/Angela—A Rival Scientist**

**Pluto—A Creation**

_**Undertaker—Ex Delivery Boy**_

_Sebastian was glad_

_When Ciel's revenge was had_

_He'd earned that soul fair and square._

_And Pluto was there_

_Without underwear._

_Grell Sutcliffe was actually a man._

_And it all went wrong_

_For Angela-Ash._

_Sebby's hooker-boots pleased the fans._

_And then with great haste_

_He went in for a taste,_

_But that's not how the story ran..._

_Kuro-Shitsuji (ooh ooh ooh) Double Feature_

_Square Enix wi-ill (ooh, ooh, ooh) demand a sequel._

_See demons fighting (ooh, ooh, ooh) for shota souls_

_Alois is wearing (ooh, ooh, ooh) a kimono_

_Wo oh oh oh oh oh_

_In the Kuro-o Shitsuji Sho-o-ow_

_I knew that Hanna chick_

_Was in some deep shit_

_When I saw her eye-blood spill_

_And I really got hot_

_When Alois dressed in frills_

_And licked Ciel's ear just for thrills._

_Claude said Ciel's blood_

_Tasted real good_

_And licking it made him jizz._

_But when the battle was done_

_Said Ciel to Sebastian,_

_Guess I'll be joining you in hell._

_It's the..._

_Kuro-Shitsuji (ooh ooh ooh) Double Feature_

_Square Enix wi-ill (ooh, ooh, ooh) demand a sequel._

_See demons fighting (ooh, ooh, ooh) over shota souls_

_Alois is wearing (ooh, ooh, ooh) a kimono_

_Wo oh oh oh oh oh_

_In the Kuro-o Shitsuji Sho-o-ow_

_I wanna go—Oh, oh, oh, oh_

_To the Kuro-o Shitsuji Sho-o-ow_

_By Toboso—Wo-oh, oh oh_

_To the Kuro-o Shitsuji Sho-o-ow_

_In the back row—Oh, oh, oh, oh_

_To the Kuro-o Shi-itsuji Sho-o-ow!_


	2. There's a Light

**IMPORTANT-ISH NOTE: This is just the set up chapter. It may seem a little confusing, but that's because it's supposed to be! After this, I'll start following the Rocky Horror plot more closely—I promise! I'm just changing the beginning, and it's not only because I'm lazy. It works better this way. Ooh, and please review. I do so love those things.**

**Disclaimer: Kuroshitsuji...Rocky Horror...if I owned these things, I would officially be God. But I'm not, so I don't =D**

**2. There's a Light**

"Ciel! Ciel!"

"Uh?" The thirteen-year-old awoke slowly to the sound of his name being called in tearful tones. Slowly, green eyes swam into focus, "L-Lizzy?"

The girl made a relieved noise and wrapped her arms around Ciel's neck, "Oh, you're alright!"

"What happened?" Ciel was vaguely aware that he was lying on the ground outdoors, and it was dark.

"The carriage crashed. You fell! You've been unconscious for hours!" She tightened her chokehold, making Ciel gag slightly. Under other circumstances he might have pushed her away, but he was so disoriented.

Questions flashed through his mind: Where's Sebastian? How did this happen? Where _is_ Sebastian? Where were we heading? _And where is Sebastian?_

But he couldn't worry about all that now, "Are you alright?"

Lizzy nodded, sniffling slightly.

"Alright," Ciel let out his breath and pushed himself from the ground, noting the lack of injury, "Come on. We'll walk, try to find some help."

**OoO**

_Walking sucks, _Ciel thought a quarter of a mile later. He was already tired. And it was pouring rain. _I hate my life._

"Lizzy?" Ciel asked after a while.

"Hm?"

"Where is Sebastian?" Ciel was still stumped over this; shouldn't he have been driving the carriage?

"Um, who?" Lizzy looked curiously up at her betrothed.

Ciel was taken aback, "Stop joking! What do you mean who?"

Lizzy tilted her head, about to comment on Ciel's peculiar behavior, but stopped dead, "Look! There's a castle up ahead! It's all lit up!"

Without another word, the blond bolted toward the lights, leaving a still-shocked Ciel behind.

"Lizzy! Wait! What did you mean who? Lizzy!"


	3. Domestic and Handyman

**3. The Domestic and The Handyman**

Elizabeth was already knocking on the door when Ciel appeared beside her, panting and swearing under his breath.

"You shouldn't have done that," Ciel chided, referring to her bolting off without him as well as to pounding on the door before he could examine the place more closely. Frankly, Ciel thought it was too convenient. He didn't trust it. Moreover, the combination of the rain and his sprint after Lizzy was causing his asthma to act up.

There was nothing to be done about it now, however, for the door had already opened to reveal a tall, thin figure with dark hair and golden eyes. Ciel recognized him immediately: Claude Faustus, silent and stony-faced as ever. Still...there was something different about him, something very small...

"What do you want?" He demanded bluntly. Ciel frowned-rather rude behavior, he thought, still examining the man. He had it: it was the uniform. Or, more specifically, the crest on the uniform. It was not the Trancy family crest, but rather something else. Instead of a spider on the coat of arms, there was some sort of black bird...a crow? A raven?

"We're stranded and lost," Ciel answered just as brusquely, but with an air of authority, "Will you let us stay the night?"

It was a phrased as a question, but Ciel's tone of voice made it sound more like a command. Still, Claude seemed to consider a moment before stepping back from the doorway.

"Why don't you come in? It is a very special night for the master..."

_Oh _**ter**_-riffic_, Ciel thought sarcastically. The last thing he needed was to get caught up in another damned Trancy affair. As if on cue, there was undeniably girlish giggle that Ciel knew all too well.

_Not only am I cold and tired, now I have to deal with Alois _**Tramp**_sy_, Ciel thought, then frowned. He'd just made a pun. A very catty pun. What was going wrong with his brain?

"Ugh. Alois, I have no desire to be involved in whatever you're-wait, why are you dressed like that?"

The fourteen-year-old had appeared in the doorway, but not in one of his usual ensembles. Once again, the blond boy was outfitted in a maid's costume, which made Ciel wonder if this was just another one of the super-brat's bizarre tendencies. It was even worse than the last time though: black replaced the periwinkle color of the other dress, and it was much shorter, revealing fishnets below. Ciel had a sudden desire to put his hands over Lizzy's eyes.

"I'm sorry, do I _know_ you?" Alois frowned, "And what do you mean? This is my _uniform_."

Ciel sighed, deciding to write this off to standard bi-polar-Alois behavior. The latter statement, however, caused him to wonder if maybe he'd walked in on some kinky sex-act. He wouldn't have ever thought that Claude would be for that sort of thing, but he wouldn't put it past Alois. The boy was clearly depraved.

"How nice for you," Ciel rolled his eyes and stepped through the doorway. Lizzy was close behind, smiling as she looked around.

"It _is _nice!" Alois laughed, somewhat crazily, "It's nice for you, it's nice for me, it's nice for _everybody!"_

Ciel cringed. Alois's very presence pissed him off; the sound of the blond boy's cackling nearly made Ciel homicidal.

"Yeah. Great. Can we jus-" Ciel started to talk, but all of a sudden Claude started-oh, dear God-singing.


	4. The Danse Macabre

**4. The Danse Macabre**

Yes. Claude was singing. Too desperate to care about what was socially acceptable, Ciel swung his cane at the golden-eyed demon in an attempt to silence him, but damn if that man-spider wasn't fast.

"_It's exciting;_

_Life is fleeting;_

_Survival is the goal._

_But pay attention..."_

And then, to make this unholy phenomenon even worse, Alois joined in.

"_Just a little bit longer..."_

Claude jumped in again,

"_One is going to fall."_

"Do we really need to get into this again _now_?" Ciel groaned, "And why the hell are you singing?"

Neither psychopath answered, nor did they stop their warbling, much to Ciel's annoyance. In fact, as Claude launched into a second stanza, he began tap dancing along with the rhythm.

"Oh God," Ciel covered his face with his hand, "Stop. Just, stop."

"_I remember, Dance-Macabre-ing_

_Falling that moment when_

_Laeviathan pierced me"_

"_And death would be calling..."_ Alois trilled in an incongruously cheery voice. To Ciel's utter horror, he was dancing too. The Tango. It made Ciel wish he'd stayed out in the rain and died of an asthma attack.

"I'm pretty sure you just made up a verb," Ciel growled, "And obviously, neither of you are dead—no matter how much I wish you were."

Once again, Claude and Alois ignored Ciel and walk/danced blithely to another door, which, upon being opened, revealed a truly large and bizarre room. Inside the room was...everybody. Maylene, Bard, Finny, and Tanaka for instance, as well as Hannah and the Tonchinkan. Lau and Ran Mao, Madame Red, Aberline, Viscount Druitt...the list went on and on. The room was packed to the gills with virtually everybody Ciel had ever met, and not a single one of them so much as acknowledged him. Instead, they all chorused:

"_Let's Dance Maca-abe aga-ain!_

_Let's Dance Maca-abe aga-ain!"_

"You can't die more than once!" Ciel shouted over the echoing noise, "That doesn't make any sense!"

Beside him, Lizzy said obliviously, "Wow, this is a big party!"

Ciel said nothing; he'd accepted a long time ago that Lizzy lived in a state of perpetual cluelessness.

"**It's just a blow to the left!**" a disembodied voice proclaimed.

"Who said that?" Ciel wondered, looking around. Apparently no one else found this peculiar because they sang back,

"_And then a slash to the ri-i-i-i-ight!"_

"**Keep your hands on your knives**"

"_And stab your forks in ni-i-i-ice!_

_But it's the pelvic thru-u-ust_

_That really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane!_

_Let's Dance Maca-abe aga-ain!_

_Let's Dance Maca-abe aga-ain!"_

"What does a pelvic thrust have do with killing someone?" Ciel had more or less accepted that he might as well be talking to himself, but he couldn't help it, "Wow, that's disturbing."

It only got more disturbing when Alois went in for a solo, continuing to tango with Claude in an unsettlingly provocative manner.

"_It's so sexy, it really affects me_

_So I can't help but, have a ball._

_From the very inception_

_With murderous intention,_

_From the sidelines, I'm enthralled."_

"Stop moving your lips," Ciel snapped.

"_Then I'll just move my hips~,"_ Alois sang in response.

"You piss me off so much."

"_The drama elates you~"_

"Someone should sedate you."

Ciel clapped his hands over his mouth. _Damn it, now I'm rhyming._

"_Let's Dance Maca-abe aga-ain!_

_Let's Dance Maca-abe aga-ain!"_

"Is it over?" Ciel wondered hopefully.

Of course it wasn't.


	5. The Devil's Eyes

**5. The Devil's Eyes**

Ciel had hoped—he really had—that this portion of the nightmare was coming to an end.

No such luck. Ciel started contemplating suicide in earnest when Grell entered stage left. The young earl was promptly blinded by the sheer amount of red glitter in Grell's outfit, which was really for the best because said outfit consisted of a (red and glittery) bodice, a (glittery and red) bow tie, a (red and GODDAMN glittery) top hat, and exceptionally tiny black shorts. The shinigami's tresses were as long and garishly scarlet as ever.

_And now I'm also stuck with Grell __**Slut**__cliff_, the recently-developed catty part of Ciel's brain piped up again.

"Alois and Grell in the same room with me," Ciel muttered out loud, than turned to his fiancee, "Lizzy, I want you to hit me in the head with the heaviest object you can find. As hard as you can."

"Sh, Ciel, she's singing!" Lizzy hushed him.

"Grell is a man!" Ciel exclaimed.

"Shh!"

It was true, Grell was singing. Dancing too, if you could call it that. Really, the shinigami was just prancing around and crooning like the melodramatic moron Ciel knew him to be.

"_Well I was struttin down the street_

_Just a-doin my work_

_When a black-clad guy gave me an_

_evil smirk._

_He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise._

_He had jet-black hair and the_

_Devil's eyes._

_He smiled at me, and I felt a change._

_Reaping meant nothing, never would again."_

"Did any of us really need to know any of that?" Ciel wondered.

"Aw, it's romantic," Lizzy sighed, and Ciel gaped at her in disbelief.

"_Let's Dance Maca-abe aga-ain!_

_Let's Dance Maca-abe aga-ain!" _

The room bellowed.

"**It's just a blow to the left,"**

"And then a slash to the ri-i-i-i-ight!"

"**Keep your hands on your knives"**

"_And stab your forks in ni-i-i-ice!_

_But it's the pelvic thru-u-ust_

_That really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane!"_

"I think you're all insane to begin with," Ciel muttered.

"_Let's Dance Maca-abe aga-ain!_

_Let's Dance Maca-abe aga-ain!"_

And then, for no discernible reason, everybody just collapsed. Ciel took this to mean that the whole horrid, musical business was over and silently rejoiced this.

"That was kinda fun," Lizzy chirped as Ciel grabbed her wrist.

"Lizzy, we're getting the hell out of here. It's just not worth it."

"But Ci-eeeel," The blonde protested as Ciel dragged her towards the back of the room.

"No buts. This whole place is screwed up beyond all—" Ciel was cut off by the slow click of heels on the staircase at the room's side.

As though compelled, he and Lizzie turned toward the staircase to see a pair of heels that extended into thigh-high hooker boots, then garters followed by what can only be described as male panties, then a corset, all of which appeared to be made out of black leather. Ciel had seen many a bizarre thing both that night and in his lifetime, but when he caught a look at the face atop the that tall, lithe, scantily-clad body, the Earl feared his brain might explode and dribble out his ears.

"_Sebastian_?" Ciel gasped.


	6. Sweet Akuma

**6. Sweet Akuma**

If Ciel had ever taken it upon himself to compile a list of "Things I Hope I'll Never Have to See," he probably would have included "Sebastian in dominatrix gear" right above "A hermaphrodite angel" and below "Alois Trancy. Period." And yet, the former was here, staring Ciel in the face with inscrutable crimson eyes. Before any of this information could be fully processed, Ciel opened his mouth, presumably to snap at Sebastian for leaving him exposed to all this insanity.

However, something stopped the Earl from speaking. His relief at seeing Sebastian was offset by the way the demon had glanced at him—not a flicker of recognition. Disconcerted, Ciel's gaze drifted to Sebastian's un-gloved hands and was struck by the absence of a mark.

"Don't tell me," Ciel breathed, reaching a hand up to his right eye, where his finger's encountered no patch, "how did I not notice that?"

Judging by the fact that Ciel had yet to receive so much as a look askance, he could only assume that the previously tainted eye was normal. But what did this mean? Was the contract over? Had it ever existed? Was Ciel going insane? Ciel, who had always hated any overabundance of rhetorical questions, put a hand to his head in an attempt to stop the flood of confusion. Everything was so messed up...

The worst part about all this? Even Ciel had to admit that Sebastian didn't look half bad in a corset.

The demon seemed to be sizing Ciel and Lizzie up, but now he smiled his usual solicitous smile (the one Ciel knew not to trust.)

And then he started singing.

"_How do you do, I_

_See you've met my _

_faithless handyman._

_He's just a little brought down_

_Because when you knocked,_

_He thought you were the Candyman."_

Alois, who'd started rocking back and forth on his feels for no apparent reason, giggled. Claude looked absolutely miserable as he shook the empty Ritalin bottle in his hand, wondering why today's shipment of Alois's meds hadn't arrived. Everybody politely ignored both Claude's increasing desperation and the blatant anachronism of ADHD medication in the Victorian Era. They were all too distracted by Sebastian's singing (which Ciel _also_ had to admit was pretty good. Why did that bastard have to be good at _everything_?) to pay much attention to Claude, anyway.

"_And don't be fooled by the way I look,_

_Don't judge a demon by his glamour._

_I have the form of a man by the light of day,_

_but by night I'm one **hell** of a lover!"_

Okay, Sebastian did _not_ just say that last line. Ciel must have been hallucinating. There's no way he really just—wait, actually, in light of recent events, that phrase coming out of Sebastian's mouth was probably one of the most believable things Ciel had experienced that night. And that scared him.

"_I'm just a sweet akuma_

_From the ninth circle of he~ll._

_Step outside the norm, and_

_I'll show you my...true form._

_And though you're both a bit...compact"_

(It was a short joke, Ciel just knew it.)

"_If you'd prefer something intimate,_

_And you think you could handle it,_

_We might just agree on a contract~"_

Sebastian winked, and Ciel died a little inside. Fed up with all this bullshit, Ciel stomped over toward the cheerfully strutting demon.

"This is all just really great,

But can we just cut to the chase?

This isn't my idea of funny."

"Ciel..." Lizzie started to chide, but Ciel ignored her. He had already started to rhyme, and really how could it get any worse than that?

"We like a carriage to borrow,

Or else we could just go, y'know...

Anywhere but here."

"_So you're lost and alone—all your hope gone,_

_Well children, don't you panic._

_By the light of the night, it'll all seem alright;_

_I'll get you a satanic mechanic."_

At this, Ciel visibly cringed. If Sebastian was making puns at them, it meant he and Lizzie were really thoroughly screwed. Refusing to lose anymore brain cells to this lunacy, the earl proceed to jam his index fingers in his ears and hum "God Save the Queen" to drown out the following noise.

Meanwhile, Sebastian was side-sitting on a chair at the front of the room (he really got around well in those heels,) garter-clad legs dangling over the edge. At that moment, Ciel discovered a new loathing for people who don't sit properly in chairs. Claude, Alois, and Grell had gathered around Sebastian in a way that made Ciel wonder if they'd rehearsed this.

"_So, won't you stay for the night,_" Sebastian sang.

"_Night,"_ Claude repeated, swiping his creepy giraffe tongue over his nose. Ciel may have been imagining it, but he would swear that in it's orbit, Claude's tongue had caught a fly out of the air and successively guided it into his mouth. Would you really expect anything else from a spider demon?

"_Or maybe a bite..."_

"_Bite!"_ Grell emphasized with a playful chomp of his shark-like teeth. The shinigami was shamelessly ogling Sebastian's legs (which were pretty impressive.)

"_I could show you my favorite obsession._

_I've been making a male_

_With cat ears and a tail_

__And he's good for relieving my...tension."__

At this point, Ciel still had his ears plugged, and the look on Sebastian's face right then made him glad of it. Unfortunately, the chorus was much harder to drown out with patriotic humming.

"_I'm just a sweet akuma  
>From the ninth circle of he~ll<em>

_Hit it, hit it!  
>I'm just a sweet akuma," <em>

"_Sweet akuma," _Claude, Alois, and Grell chorused. Ciel threw up in his mouth a little.

_"From the ninth circle..."_ Sebastian continued. The demon was prancing—seriously, prancing—back towards the stairs

_"Of he~ll!"_ Came the musical reply.

The worst of it really did seem to be over, so Ciel pulled his fingers from his eardrums. A few pieces of brain that had tried to escape this madness by creeping out through his ears were still stuck on Ciel's digits. He wiped them off on his shorts just in time to see Sebastian pause in front of him and Lizzie with the sort of smile that made Ciel's stomach flip-flop with dread (and most certainly nothing else.)

"_So come up to the lab_

_And see what's on the slab  
>I see you shiver with antici..."<br>_  
>In the pause that followed, Ciel had half a mind to inform Sebastian that it was pneumonia they were shivering from. He and Lizzie were still sopping wet and freezing. With any luck, Ciel would drop dead from some fast-acting respiratory disease before he had to suffer through another musical number.<p>

_"...pation.  
>But maybe the rain<em>

_Isn't really to blame_

_So I'll remove the cause,_

But not—" Sebastian stopped and chuckled, really enjoying the impact of his own words,

"—_the symptom."_

And with that, he breezed by Ciel and Lizzie to the staircase. This was probably the happiest Ciel had every seen Sebastian, which was actually pretty frightening. You think you know a guy...

"So I'm guessing that means we're stuck here?" Ciel asked, but it was mostly to himself. "Oh, joy."


	7. Vulnerable

**7. Vulnerable**

Ciel groaned—_this nightmare never ends_. As he watched Sebastian disappear up the stairs, he was suddenly aware of a tugging on his clothes.

"Hey!" Ciel's eyes widened as he noticed Alois beside him, attempting to remove Ciel's clothing, "Don't touch me so freely!"

He was about to swing at the blond when a careless, velvety voice called from the top of the stairs:

"Oh, it won't do for you two to be wearing those wet clothes, will it? You wouldn't want to catch a cold."

"Don't pretend to care about my well-being!" Ciel shouted back, aggravated, but received no answer. Beside him, Lizzie, who was receiving a similar treatment from Claude, was also protesting.

"Hey, that's my new dress!"

Ciel sighed. As much as it pained to admit it, he had absolutely no power of the situation.

"Just deal with it for now," he told her, coming off as more resigned than reassuring, "I don't see how we're going to get out of it." And, though he'd never say it aloud, Sebastian was right: they really would have pneumonia by the morning if the clothes didn't come off.

At the very least, Claude seemed entirely dispassionate about the whole task, whereas Alois seemed to be enjoying himself a bit too much. Because Ciel was steadfastly ignoring the whole indignity, he restrained himself from whacking Alois when the blond's hands wandered.

Grell, who was taking Ciel and Lizzie's clothes, broke though Ciel's forced ignorance.

"Slowly, slowly, it's too nice a job to rush," The shinigami said with a toothy smile, "even on a pair of runts like this."

Ciel growled in a distinctly canine fashion (he wasn't called the Queen's Watch Dog for nothing, after all.)

"Are you wearing _sock garters_?" Alois interrupted, looking up at Ciel with raised eyebrows.

"I don't like pulling my socks up all the time, okay?" Ciel snapped. Alois just stared at him. "You know what? Shut up. I'm not the one in the dress."

"You brats are lucky to be invited up to Sebby's laboratory," Grell said, changing the subject, "some people would give their soul for the privilege."

Ciel snorted, "People like you, naturally."

"_Hah!_" Grell laughed scornfully before tossing the amassed pile of clothing over his shoulder, thus reaffirming Ciel's utter hatred for the gender-confused shinigami, "I've seen it!"

"All right, pick up the pace," Alois snapped, going through another one of his arbitrary mood swings, "The Master doesn't like to be kept waiting."

Ciel didn't give a damn what Sebastian didn't like, but he let himself be shepherded up the stairs. Out of curiosity, he turned to Grell.

"So, what. You and Sebastian are _together_ now, or something?" Just saying it made Ciel cringe; it was just so wrong.

Grell gave that annoying laugh again, and Ciel wondered how many times he would be able to hear that in one night before acting out one of his homicidal fantasies (what, you don't have those?)

"The Master isn't married, nor do I think he ever will be," Claude droned with all his usual enthusiasm, "We are simply his servants."

At this, Ciel managed his first real smirk of the night. Claude working for Sebastian? That can't end well.

"Oh?" Ciel questioned, enjoying the smirk, "How's that working out for you."

As though in response, Claude dropped the glass bottle of dubious red liquid he'd been pouring into a goblet.

"That well, huh?"


	8. Come Up to the Lab

**7. Come Up to the Lab**

_Well, that's it_, Ciel thought, a strange serenity sweeping over him, _either the world's gone mad, or I have. What's there to do about it? _

At the top of the stairs, Ciel found himself in yet another truly large, truly bizarre room.

"My, my, who do we have here?" Sebastian brushed Claude off carelessly and clicked toward Ciel and Lizzy with an unmistakably predatory grin. At least he was wearing real clothes now—a black lab coat, which is kind of a paradox when you think about it.

"Earl Ciel Phantomhive," Ciel replied with his usual PR smile—the one that tended to blow minds despite how completely fake it was, "and this is Elizabeth Middleford, my fiancee."

It took a lot of effort not to emphasize that last word.

"Charmed, I'm sure," Sebastian returned, as unreadable as ever with a flirtatious edge.

With the attitude of a perfect gentleman and the smile of a starved tiger, the raven-haired man took Lizzie's hand and pressed a light kiss on its back. Lizzie giggled, and Ciel simply couldn't muster up any real anger at the scene. Out of an ingrained sense of formality, Ciel held out his own hand to shake; Sebastian repeated his previous gesture, much to Ciel's surprise. Even more disturbing, Ciel felt a flicker of tongue.

"I can't say the same!" Ciel declared, perhaps a bit too loudly.

"Ciel!" Lizzie's eyes widened at the outburst.

"He just molested our hands," Ciel crossed his arms over his chest, "I'm hardly the rude one here."

For the briefest of instants, Sebastian's eyes narrowed in displeasure. Ciel quietly celebrated this minor victory. "Perhaps," Sebastian said, inscrutable smile back in place, "you should be a bit more grateful. It's rare that I extend my guests such...hospitality."

Ciel simply snorted. Actually, it was almost a laugh. "This is what you call hospitality? It doesn't matter anyway. I'm not grateful to anybody."

At this, Sebastian seemed amused, which pissed Ciel off (back to square one.) "So cold. But you're an interesting one Ciel, and with such a pretty face," Sebastian drawled, and Ciel was a bit taken aback by how blatantly he was flirting. The demon turned to Lizzie, "You're a lucky girl."

"Oh yes!" Lizzie agreed, grabbing Ciel's arm in a vise-grip. Ciel winced. "Ciel is sooo cute!"

"Indeed," Sebastian smiled, and Ciel felt a shiver that had nothing to do with the look Sebastian was giving him and everything to do with the fact that he was standing in a cold lab in his underwear.

"Ahem," Claude, creepy bastard that he was, materialized beside Sebastian. "We're ready."

Ciel was fairly certain that even Claude's thoughts were in monotone.

Sebastian clicked his tongue. "Well, it's about time. I hate running late." He turned and strode over to what appeared to a raised, stage-like section of the room containing a multitude of scientific equipment and what appeared to be an alter.

"Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists," Sebastian addressed the crowd in the balcony above, "you are to witness a breakthrough in alchemical research, and paradise is to be mine!"

(Ciel already didn't like the sound of this)

"It was a recent endeavor, I admit, inspired by a passion I've only recently discovered. It was just a matter of finding the right balance between science and supernatural force, borrowing just the right amount from this realm and the lower one, but I've succeeded..." Sebastian's eyes had gone slightly misty, his expression unusually soft. Ciel had seen that look before. It could only mean one thing...

"I've solved that ancient riddle," Sebastian continued with an uncharacteristic level emotion, "to turn 'metal into gold,' is one way of putting it. What I have done is transformed something undesirable—repulsive, even—into something marvelous and undeniably beautiful. I hold that knowledge—the ability to create perfection out of nothing! You see, you are fortunate, for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be born!"

The so-called conventionalist were rapt with attention, as was Lizzie. Ciel was not impressed. He gave a few slow, ironic claps when Sebastian was done with his rather dramatic speech, but they were largely ignored.

What transpired then was a highly disturbing affair that involved chanting (on the part of Claude, Alois, and Grell,) drinking of the aforementioned dubious red liquid (by Sebastian,) and the sacrificial murder of one of the attendees (Finny; Ciel probably should have tried to help the poor guy, but he wasn't in a "good deed" sort of mood,) and a lot of light and activity from the Frankenstein-esque mechanisms in the room. Electricity whirred between a pair of identical metal devices, becoming more and more visible until a rectangle of glowing white lightening appeared. With a final burst of chant, the electric light disappeared, and the rectangle filled with unholy red light.

Ciel was still not impressed. He'd seen a lot of weird shit in his life.

The crimson rectangle glowed brighter and brighter, until, all of a sudden, an silhouette was visible within. The humanoid shape seemed to be coming closer to the rectangular portal. Ciel had just finished examining his nail beds when a male form stumbled out of the portal and into the lab.

Sebastian's scarlet eyes lit with joy, "Oh, _Pluto_!"

Lizzie gasped, " Oh, Kawa-_iiiiiii_"

Ciel facepalmed. "Oh, for the love of _God_..."


	9. And See What's on the Slab

**9. And See What's on the Slab**

"You cat-obsessed moron," Ciel mumbled into the palm of his hand.

Honestly, Ciel didn't know what he'd been expecting other than this. Standing there, as the portal faded away, was Pluto, but a slightly different Pluto from the one Ciel recalled. To put it bluntly, he had cat ears. And a tail. That swished about. Also, he was wearing shiny silver underwear, which was actually improvement upon his usual nudity. Because this is what you do if you're a demon with unimaginable supernatural powers and advanced human technology at your disposable: you create a cat person to satisfy your own freaky fetish. At least, that's what Sebastian did.

The newly feline Pluto blinked, "Nyaaa~?"

Somewhere in the background, Ciel heard music, and he cringed. _Oh God, not another song._

Thankfully, Pluto did not possess the necessary vocal chords to create speech, let alone song, so he did not launch into a musical number. Instead, he turned into a gigantic, fire-breathing cat beast and set about wreaking havoc on the lab. The Rampaging Pluto succeeded in immolating at least four of the conventionalists—which Ciel watched with somewhat sadistic enjoyment—before Sebastian caught up with him. The demon was in full moe-mode by now, and Ciel fought an uphill battle against his gag reflex. As Sebastian scratched behind Catzilla's haunches, Pluto returned to his more humanoid form.

"What an ill-behaved little creature you are," Sebastian remarked, though he sounded anything but angry, "though...because you're so adorable, I'm prepared to forgive you."

"Nya~" Pluto gave a happy purr and nuzzled his head against Sebastian's neck. Ciel sneezed. Damn allergies.

"Wow!" Alois's voice assaulted Ciel's ears like nails on a chalkboard, "I'd hit that with the lights on!"

"My 'Hunk Radar's' going off," Grell agreed, covering up a nosebleed.

Claude readjusted his glasses. "...Eh."

"'Eh?'" Sebastian raised an eyebrow. One could almost see the air around him darken. "_That's_ all you have to say?" All of a sudden, the demon smiled brightly (though the scary dark aura remained,) "We can do better than that. Ciel, Lizzie, what do _you _think?" Sebastian tugged the cat creature over to the young teens. Pluto, not entirely used to walking on two legs, stumbled on the way.

"Ohmigod," Lizzie was bouncing on the balls of her feet, "he's so cute! I love kitties! Ooh, you should put a little bell around his neck! That would be even _cuter_!"

"I'll make a note of that," Sebastian nodded, pleased with Lizzie's gushing. He turned to Ciel, "well?"

"I'm more of a dog person, really," Ciel replied casually, then he smirked. "_Woof_."

Once again, Ciel silently rejoiced in the brief, pissed-off look that crossed Sebastian's face. "Well. I didn't make him for _you_," the demon actually snapped before a haughty smirk curved his lips, "He carries the Ancient Egyptian seal of approval."

Sebastian walked over to an enormous tarp-covered shape and pulled back the covering. Pluto, following curiously behind, let out an excited mew when he saw that it was an especially fancy scratching post, built to scale for a six-foot-tall cat (person...demon...thing.) He gleefully batted at a yarn-ball the size of Ciel's head that dangled from one of the pedestals. Because the universe was a cruel, nasty thing that hated Ciel's guts, Sebastian started to sing.

"_A mongrel, chosen from the pound_

_Will act a perfect beast and slobber all around,_

_But back at the store, one can't help but adore_

_A delicate creature with whiskers and claws..."_

With surprising tenderness, Sebastian stroked Pluto's face as he sang. Pluto was still quite absorbed by the yarn.

"_Soft fur that glistens and gleams_

_Wanting only for love and a little bit of cream..." _

Sebastian's grin turned wicked, and Ciel wondered if he should keep a Double Entendre tally.

"_Paws are pink and quite clean_

_Oh, yes, cats are the right pet!" _

With a sudden burst of emotion, Sebastian turned toward the non-charred conventionalists in the balcony, executing some rather deft footwork in those ridiculous hooker boots. Ciel realized that the back of Sebastian's lab coat revealed everything from his stiletto heels to his lean-muscled, garter-clad legs and, well...The demon really did have an extraordinarily nice butt. From a purely objective standpoint, of course! Not like Ciel was _appreciating_ it or anything, he just so happened to _notice_...

"_Dogs eat anything, raw garbage,_

_And swallow up scraps,_

_While cats stalk and hunt_

_And curl up on one's lap"_

Sebastian sat at one of the lower pedestals and surprised Plutoby wrapping his stockinged legs around the cat-creature's bare waist. Sebastian looked Pluto up and down admiringly, hungry crimson eyes dancing with something akin to joy.

"_Such elegance_

_The reason for my plan—_

_In just thirteen nights..."_

Sebastian glanced up at the balcony and proclaimed triumphantly,

"_I'll create a Hell Ca~at!"_

The dark-haired demon raked his fingers, with their black-painted nails, through Pluto's silvery hair. Pluto leaned into the motion as Sebastian sang on.

"_Dogs learn to sit up or lie down,_

_Roll over, stay, and bark_

_They think these simple tasks_

_Are very hard work_

_Such repulsive creatures_

_I just don't understand_

_When in just thirteen nights..."_

Premature applause burst from the balcony, but Sebastian scarcely acknowledged it. He was running his hands down Pluto's back, beaming wider when Pluto purred.

"_I'll create a Hell Ca~a~a~t!"_

It was at that precise moment that all hell broke loose.


	10. Shinigami, Reap My Soul

**10. Shinigami, Reap My Soul**

A flick of Pluto's tail pushed a nearby lever up, and chaos ensued. A big plank door creaked open to reveal an what can only be described as a torture chamber, and out of this room emerged none other than Undertaker—on a motorcycle. Grell gave an extremely feminine shriek of joy.

"_Seriously_?" Ciel balked, "a _motorcycle_? That's just insulting. Either the writer is damn stupid, or she thinks the readers are."

"Ohmigod, Ciel, you can't say that!" Lizzie gasped.

"It's not my fault!" Ciel protested, "Undertaker crashed his motorcycle through the Fourth Wall."

"Well. That _is_ a problem," Sebastian said thoughtfully, eying the smoking pile of rubble that was once the Fourth Wall.

Whispers flew across the room as everybody wondered at what to do. Alois looked at Claude, Ciel looked at Sebastian, Sebastian scanned the room before settling his eyes on Claude, and Ciel followed his gaze. Claude, seeing that he was outnumbered, sighed and readjusted his glasses.

"Right. I'll get right on that."

Once the Fourth Wall was restored, everyone heaved a sigh of relief. As though on cue, Undertaker returned, this time smashing through a wall that was merely literal to enter the room. Claude knew that he would have to fix that later, but it was not an urgent matter; currently, Alois was pulling him into the torture chamber-room to make-out.

Meanwhile, Undertaker ripped about lab room on his extremely anachronistic motorcycle, terrorizing the conventionalists and laughing maniacally. Between bouts of psychotic cackling, he howled out,

"_Whatever happened to those long morgue nights_

_I'd dress a corpse up sharp, and I felt alright!_

_Hasn't been the same since cosmic light_

_Came into my life, Oo-oh, it is divine!_

_I used to go out with a reaper I know_

_Who would slice up prostitutes from head to toe_

_And so I got to autopsy all the dead hos _

_We climbed in a coffin, we really had a good time!_

_Shinigami, reap my soul, I really love those corpses—oh!"_

Ciel was unable to report on what happened during the course of Undertaker's song, because he covered both his own and Lizzie's eyes through most of it. A few stanzas in, Undertaker and Grell had started having clothes-on sex, and really, who wanted to see that? Apparently, not Sebastian; the demon looked rather pissed when Ciel dared a peek through his fingers. The Shinigamis, however, were still writhing frantically on the floor, so Ciel resumed his self-imposed blindness.

"_My head once swam from formaldehyde I smelled_

_My hands never fumbled with my shiny clean scalpel_

_But its my baby's blood-red lipstick that makes me melt_

_She'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine_

_Get back in the shop, put some fresh gloves on_

_I'll get you ready for your very last song_

_With an arm around my girl, we'll laugh and sing along_

_It felt pretty good, we really had a good time!_

_Shinigami, reap my soul, I really love those corpses—oh!"_

As the motorcycle roared up once again, Ciel figured it was safe to look. Indeed, Undertaker was back to wreaking havoc on the lab, and Grell was a happy puddle of Reaper-mush a little ways off. Apparently, Ciel had missed something because now Pluto was locked in a suitably-sized cat carrier in a corner of the room, and Claude and Alois were being shoved from the torture chamber-room. Seconds later, Sebastian emerged, beaming and holding his hands behind his back. Ciel could tell from that grin alone that this would not end well. As Undertaker drew near, Sebastian whipped his hands out from behind him to reveal four forks clutched in his left fist and four knives in the right. Undertaker gave a yell that may have been laughter or fear, and Grell shrieked—in horror this time. After that, well...there was a lot of blood.

Ciel just winced; _That's gotta hurt._


End file.
